Adrian - Hope Beyond Bereavement

There IS light at the end of the tunnel of loss and sadness. Lean on your support people and don’t be afraid of asking for help!

I came through a long period in my life when I’d barely finish grieving a loved one before another passed away. I isolated myself out of fear I might lose anyone I allowed to get close to me. There were days I didn’t want to live anymore, until connecting with the right support turned things around.

At 21 I found myself unable to cope with the loss of my son to cot death and would sleep at his grave. I was weighed down by the guilt of not being home from work when his mother and a nurse had tried to revive him, and self-medicated with alcohol and drug abuse. In those days blokes were shamed for showing their feelings so I took stupid risks instead of opening up to someone.

I still miss a friend I lost to suicide who was like a brother to me. His wife encouraged him to talk to me about what he was going through and I really wish he had because he might still be here, but he felt it would be a burden to me. It left me so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and suffered drastic weight loss.

It was more than I could bare when my partner Karen passed away in her sleep weeks before our wedding but her family have really been there for me and are only ever a phone call away.

My Dad was my rock and hero so when I lost him to cancer in 2021 I spiralled. What kept me going is wanting to spare the people I love the pain of loss I’ve endured. I’m the elder of my family line now, since my Aunt passed away, and it’s a different world where it’s ok for men to express what they feel. I’ve learned that bottling grief leads to anger and depression and found healthier ways of handling it, like going bush for a few days with my dog to clear my head.

I’ve trained with Samuria swords for focus, to where I can outdraw my sensei, and memories of Rally Car driving with my Dad keep me going. He left me a 1938 Dodge which I take to the Chrysler Day each year.

I’ve gotten back into riding my Ducati after losing interest for about 20 years, as a way of staying connected with my partner’s kids who are into motorbikes. Those loving connections and finding the right professional support are life saving when you’re in a bad headspace.

When my brother took me to a doctor following my recent suicide attempt I was connected with a community mental health service, a psychiatrist and Flourish Australia where I join in group activities and there’s nothing I can’t discuss with my Peer Worker Sonny. It reminds me of my career days running crews for traffic control when we were like one big family and always had each other’s backs.

Serious health issues like liver damage keep me fairly housebound and Sonny checks in on me at home. My brother helps out doing the lawns and my neighbour takes out the bins.

There’s not a day I don’t think about ending my life but I do what I can to reach tomorrow in the hope I will one day help someone else who’s struggling. I’ve joined a Roses in the Ocean group where I share how I’m coping each day with others who get it because they’re grappling with trauma too.

The hardest part has been admitting I wasn’t OK. Once you push past your fear of asking for help, there are warm, caring people willing to listen and with their support, you WILL reach a point where you no longer dwell in the past and can enjoy life again. The present moment is a beautiful place to be!